A Fear of Telling
by greenbowls
Summary: Will tells Alicia about the investigation.


It wasn't something he was proud of. He knew he should have told her weeks ago. He thought of telling her every day, before every kiss, but she would send him a smile just for him and he knew he couldn't risk it. But now, with the possibility of an ethics hearing hanging over his head and a threat to go public he knew they would act on quickly, his back was against the wall. He had to tell her.

It was almost three in the morning when he finally got up the nerve. He had talked to Diane, Kalinda, he talked to his private attorney, he even called and told his mother. Still, he drove for two hours before he forced himself to show up at her door. Not wanting to burst his rush of determination, he calls her when he's barely inside the front door of the building. It takes twice before she picks up. She doesn't understand but she comes to the door when he asks.

'Hey. What's wrong?' Her voice is confused, face marred by sleep but he's too busy staring at her to answer. Alicia, in boxers and an old sweatshirt, feet and legs bare. He can see the strap of the tank top peeking out of the hanging neck of the sweatshirt under her messy hair. 'Will?'

Her voice brings him back but he already knows he isn't telling her. Not yet. He steps towards her and she steps back to let him inside. One more step and he's dragging her into his arms. For a moment, he just clings to her, pulling her as tightly as possible. Too soon she's edging back. 'What's wrong?' Her voice is more awake, her face more worried. He just shakes his head. The words aren't there. 'You said you couldn't come over tonight. Now here you are and there's obviously something wrong. Will what is it?'

He doesn't know how to abate her worry, frustration. He's not sure he can make it better. Looking at her, face soft, eyes warm, worried but unafraid, he leans forward again, this time to take her lips with his. 'Please.' It's the first word he's said to her, and it comes out like a plea. She relaxes in his arms, eyes still worried when she leans back to look at his face but when he leans forward again she opens her mouth under his. His hands are in her hair, sliding up under the edge of the sweatshirt to cup her bottom then to find the soft skin underneath. When he lifts her, she climbs into his arms, her mouth fused to his.

They are lying in her bed, her head on his shoulder. He knows she's awake from the idle patterns being traced on his skin. 'Will, please tell me what's wrong.' When he just closes his eyes, his other hand tightening in her hair, she raises up to look at him. 'Is this about what's been going on for the last few weeks?' The look on his face tells her yes but he nods anyway. 'Is it a problem with Diane? Something about her knowing about us?'

At this he smiles a little. If only it were that simple. 'I screwed up.'

'And Diane is angry?' Her voice is confused. She tucks an errant strand of hair behind her ear, the concern all over her face.

'It's…Diane is not the issue.' He works his jaw, the words don't seem to be able to form. She's still looking at him but he can barely look at her eyes. Instead he focuses on her mouth, he loves her mouth, bringing fingertips to her jaw.

'You screwed up.' She says it slowly, annoyance at his reticence edging slightly around the confusion in her eyes.

He nods slightly, hand still on her face. 'I'm sorry. It was a mistake.' His voice is quiet, as much to himself as to her.

At his words she stiffens in his arms. 'A mistake?' Her eyes are everywhere.

He finally brings himself to look her in the eye and sees the fear and pain already there. His mind scrambles to catch up. 'Alicia, no. I didn't…It was fifteen years ago, in Baltimore.'

She relaxes fractionally. This time she's trying to catch up. 'This is something you did years ago?'

'When I was working in Baltimore I started gambling. I was betting too much, more than I had. I got myself in trouble and I took forty-five thousand dollars from a client's account to cover it. I had planned to put it back by the end of the weekend but the firm found out.' The words come out in a quiet rush. She's looking at him apprehensively but she's still pressed up against his side. He's too afraid to touch her now. Afraid she'll pull away. 'They agreed not to pursue it if I paid it back and left. I came to Chicago and quit gambling. I left that life behind. I swear to you.' He needs her to know that, believe that.

'This is all about something that happened fifteen years ago in Baltimore?' Her voice has gone flat, confused, her eyes leery.

'Peter knows.' Now she blows out her breath. Her eyes close as she bites on her lip. 'He's going after me. They've launched a RICO investigation. They say Lemond Bishop is the target but...' He pauses, watching her.

Alicia is looking down, her face drawn. 'This is about me?'

Now he brushes the hair back from her face, his hand tentative. 'I think so.'

When she looks up at him now, her face is vivid. 'The investigation is all based on what happened in Baltimore?'

'That's the leverage they're using. It only happened once.' His voice is apologetic. He isn't sure where her emotion is focused.

'He has no right. It's out of his jurisdiction.' Her voice is low.

'They've got enough to make a RICO. They want me to help them get Bishop.'

'He has no right.' The anger has put a tremor in her voice.

'Hey.' This time he cups her face, bringing her eyes to meet his. 'I'm fighting back. Kalinda is on it, I have an attorney…'

He can see the thought cross her eyes. 'Why are you telling me now? This has been going on for weeks.' He feels the anger shift towards him. 'Why didn't you tell me then?'

'I wanted to protect us.' His voice is quiet. It's the only explanation he has. 'I thought if I could keep it separate, we would be okay.'

'This is about me.' The anger is slipping away, but there's sadness in her eyes now.

'I know. I'm sorry.' He isn't sure it's enough but it's all he has.

'You should have told me. My issues with Peter…' She looks down for a moment before looking up to meet his eyes straight on. 'This is about me.'

'I know.' He knows he needs to say more, she deserves a better answer but the words are gone again.

'Earlier, when you got here. Why didn't you just tell me?' Her face is gentle now, tired and confused.

He looks away, his hand running idly through her hair. 'I needed this first.' He smiles slightly, looking at her face again. Her forehead, cheekbones, lips, everywhere but her eyes. 'In case things changed.'

This time she cups his cheek, bringing his eyes to hers for just a moment before she leans down to kiss him. The kiss is solid, more emotional than passionate. For a moment he isn't sure he can trust what she's telling him but pulling back to glance quickly at her eyes, he's sure. They are determined, loyal, and on his side. It crosses his mind that she's never pulled away. When she leans forward again, he gives as much as she does.


End file.
